^ This website is a total game-changer for me.
I am learning how to relate to my pain differently, and it has been helping me SO MUCH.
I was at rock bottom after the 17 day migraine streak, thinking I couldn’t go on another day in that much pain. It was terrifying. I was deep in the depression and anxiety pit, so scared that the migraine beast wouldn’t leave me alone.
But now I am changing my relationship to the pain, and how I think about it…
I think it’s making a difference! Which is very exciting, because I needed a change–a mindshift.
This chronic pain journey is really intense. I feel like I am always learning something new. I move forward, and I have setbacks. But changing my relationship with pain is important.
I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I don’t want to be paranoid. And I don’t want to battle my body every day. I want to be friends with it again. I want to feel safe and comfortable in my own skin. I am taking baby steps to make this happen. Instead of hating the migraine part of myself, I am learning to love all of me.
Every day I wake up in so much pain, I feel like I am dying.
Pain, please stop. Go away. I can’t take much more of this.
I ended up in the ER again (a week ago), where they gave me medicine and sent me home. But I woke up the next day just as bad. And the day after that… and the day after that… etc.
My doctors try to help… but still this is where I’m at.
*Fingers crossed* that this torture stops soon.
To anyone reading this, I hope you had a great weekend!
Mine was pretty traumatic.
Saturday was Day 7 in Migraine Hell and the pain was the worst I’ve felt in a really long time. I could barely move from the couch. I took all the meds I possibly could, trying to avoid going to the ER…
…But I ended up there anyway. At 1 am, I finally gave in. I should have gone at 1 pm–12 hours earlier–but I was being stubborn. I learned my lesson the hard way. Luckily, there weren’t too many people in the ER at 1 am, so even though “migraine” doesn’t typically get treated quickly in the Emergency Room, I had blood work done and was lying in a hospital bed in a dark room within an hour.
Unfortunately, luck wasn’t on my side. They gave me a “cocktail” of medications through an IV (plus fluids), and *something* triggered an insane panic attack. I was stuck there, thinking I was dying, and I just wanted to go home. SO TERRIFYING! I received another medication, and this one calmed me down enough to fall half asleep. Sometime after 5 am, I was feeling “better” (aka super out of it) and I was able to go home to sleep.
Yesterday was recovery day at home. I still felt panicky and had a less-evil migraine to deal with.
And now today is Monday. I am making appointments to go see allllllll the doctors. Back to my primary, back to my neurologist, back to the chiropractor (although that’s a given, since I always see him every other week )… going to get another MRI done… and I have to schedule an appointment with an ENT about TMJ.
What a life. I am only 30 years old. Been dealing with this crap for 16 years. Too much pain. After I just had a couple good weeks at the beginning of July! When will it get better? Will I ever be normal?
I am trying to claw my way out of the depression pit, little by little. I read motivational quotes. I read different books with all kinds of approaches to staying positive and re-directing negative thoughts.
But after I finally made it to work today after almost 2 weeks of missing out, a horrible migraine forced me to come home early. And now it’s Friday night, and I am forced to stay at home, dosed up on migraine medication that isn’t helping.
I am trying to stay positive and I am trying not to go further into the pit, but here’s the problem:
My personality, my soul, my being… I feel like it is slowly suffocating by being isolated at home in pain. I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to just be. The pain is screaming at me to pay attention to it. And I don’t want to be stuck at home listening to it. But there isn’t a sufficient enough distraction.
I know I can get through this terrible night, just like I have done so so so so SO MANY other times. But I can’t help but cry. I can’t help but be disappointed by my body.
I will do my best. I will take care of myself. I will survive. I know tomorrow is another day. But I also can’t deny how sad this is. How lonely this is. And how scary the physical pain is.