The first 2 weeks of July were a nice change. I woke up feeling the migraine twinge, but the beast stayed away. Day after day, little by little, I started to feel a little more normal. I got out of the pain cycle. IT WAS SO NICE! I had a lovely break from this migraine life and was able to do some really fun things with family and friends.
But it didn’t last, sadly.
I am now stuck in Migraine hell, Day 5 today. 5 days in a row of utter misery.
I am about to lose my dang mind. I am holding on to threads of sanity.
Depression won’t leave me alone, which really doesn’t help the state I am in.
I can’t wait for this to pass. I wish I could do something productive despite the pain, but it is overwhelming me right now. I go back and forth between despair and acceptance. I understand that I have this condition, but WHY?! I did nothing differently, not to my knowledge. And I can handle 1 day of sitting around in my hot dark room. But 5 days in a row? Frick.
Waiting to be saved…
I have been really sick with migraines or silent migraines almost every day this month. I am not handling it very well, in any sense. The symptoms are disabling, yet invisible to everyone. I keep hearing “I hope you feel better soon!” yet May is almost over and I still feel horrible. It’s starting to feel like Groundhog’s Day… so repetitive. And it feels like so much pressure to get back to “normal,” but not even MY normal is REALLY “normal.” Every task is difficult, more than ever before. And I don’t know what to do.
I am a person who suffers from chronic migraine attacks. They are random and extremely painful. I also suffer from bouts of depression, anxiety, and insomnia.
But lately, I am trying to move past those labels and live the best life I can live.
I am trying to focus on “healing” instead of “pain”, which is very tricky for someone who has been so focused on “pain avoidance.” I am adding in more tools for de-stressing. I try to do good things for myself with the purpose and intention of “this will calm me down” or “this will make me happy.”
I used to spend a LOT of free time researching migraines. Now I try to spend less time on research in general. And when I do research, I try to look up positive articles, like “re-wiring my nervous system.”
I am trying to avoid the trap of paranoia, worrying that every headache will turn into a migraine. I pop the pills I need to take, and then I find a good distraction.
I am trying to take care of myself on my good days, and spend less time worrying about the black holes of time I miss when I have bad days.
Am I still in the habit of berating myself for not being normal? Not as much. I am more accepting of my condition and its limitations. I am trying not to get as frustrated when I miss out or have to cancel plans. This condition does not make me a bad person. Sometimes I feel like one, because I am not reliable like I wish I could be. Just because I have certain (really negative) thoughts in my brain doesn’t mean they are true.
I’ve been going through the ups and downs of this roller-coaster life. Sometimes it’s hard to write in this blog because of the dramatic emotional changes that occur constantly. I’ve had moments of feeling “normal” that make me SO elated and blissful, and I want to write in this blog, “OMG, I AM DOING AMAZING! 🙂 ” …which is soon followed by pain and depression and negative thoughts like, “OMG, I CAN’T STAND BEING ALIVE WITH THIS TORTUROUS PAIN ANYMORE!”
Feelings are temporary, and knowing that is comforting. I enjoy the good moments while I can, and when I am in a bad moment, I know that I will feel good again.
Do you think this idea is controversial?: If my body can learn the patterns of migraine (plus depression and anxiety), then my body can also learn patterns of healing.
This is my main focus right now–researching how to heal myself.
Can I find new patterns and habits that will trigger healing in my body?
I feel like I have been caught up in this pain cycle, where anytime I start to feel better, I think it won’t last. I’m trying to get myself out of that pattern of thinking. I am trying to extend the pain breaks and not be fearful of the next migraine attack.
Can my body memorize what the pain breaks feel like so I can stay feeling better for longer periods of time?
This idea is worth exploring to me. Because taking different pills and trying Botox did not make me better. Instead, I am going to keep doing research on epigenetics and neuroplasticity. Which is basically about turning off the “dis-ease” genes and turning on the “healing” genes. And neuroplasticity is about rewiring your neurological system and creating new patterns in your body. A lot of this is done with meditation and changing your core beliefs.
Time for a new Kelly Alive.
Can it be done?
…Only time will tell!