I am a person who suffers from chronic migraine attacks. They are random and extremely painful. I also suffer from bouts of depression, anxiety, and insomnia.
But lately, I am trying to move past those labels and live the best life I can live.
I am trying to focus on “healing” instead of “pain”, which is very tricky for someone who has been so focused on “pain avoidance.” I am adding in more tools for de-stressing. I try to do good things for myself with the purpose and intention of “this will calm me down” or “this will make me happy.”
I used to spend a LOT of free time researching migraines. Now I try to spend less time on research in general. And when I do research, I try to look up positive articles, like “re-wiring my nervous system.”
I am trying to avoid the trap of paranoia, worrying that every headache will turn into a migraine. I pop the pills I need to take, and then I find a good distraction.
I am trying to take care of myself on my good days, and spend less time worrying about the black holes of time I miss when I have bad days.
Am I still in the habit of berating myself for not being normal? Not as much. I am more accepting of my condition and its limitations. I am trying not to get as frustrated when I miss out or have to cancel plans. This condition does not make me a bad person. Sometimes I feel like one, because I am not reliable like I wish I could be. Just because I have certain (really negative) thoughts in my brain doesn’t mean they are true.
I’ve been going through the ups and downs of this roller-coaster life. Sometimes it’s hard to write in this blog because of the dramatic emotional changes that occur constantly. I’ve had moments of feeling “normal” that make me SO elated and blissful, and I want to write in this blog, “OMG, I AM DOING AMAZING! 🙂 ” …which is soon followed by pain and depression and negative thoughts like, “OMG, I CAN’T STAND BEING ALIVE WITH THIS TORTUROUS PAIN ANYMORE!”
Feelings are temporary, and knowing that is comforting. I enjoy the good moments while I can, and when I am in a bad moment, I know that I will feel good again.
Ended up in the Emergency Room last night with *literally* the worst, most excruciating, torturous migraine pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I felt like I was dying.
Still recovering from the traumatic experience. Will post more later.
How fitting that this week is “Invisible Illness Awareness” week… but I’m too worn out from fighting my invisible illness to make others aware.
Migraine Disease: the demonic beast is invisible!!! I wish I could exorcise you out. I guess that’s what Toradol and Dilaudid are for.
“When it all goes to hell
will you be able to tell
me ‘sorry’ with a straight face?”
-Fall Out Boy