I am a person who suffers from chronic migraine attacks. They are random and extremely painful. I also suffer from bouts of depression, anxiety, and insomnia.
But lately, I am trying to move past those labels and live the best life I can live.
I am trying to focus on “healing” instead of “pain”, which is very tricky for someone who has been so focused on “pain avoidance.” I am adding in more tools for de-stressing. I try to do good things for myself with the purpose and intention of “this will calm me down” or “this will make me happy.”
I used to spend a LOT of free time researching migraines. Now I try to spend less time on research in general. And when I do research, I try to look up positive articles, like “re-wiring my nervous system.”
I am trying to avoid the trap of paranoia, worrying that every headache will turn into a migraine. I pop the pills I need to take, and then I find a good distraction.
I am trying to take care of myself on my good days, and spend less time worrying about the black holes of time I miss when I have bad days.
Am I still in the habit of berating myself for not being normal? Not as much. I am more accepting of my condition and its limitations. I am trying not to get as frustrated when I miss out or have to cancel plans. This condition does not make me a bad person. Sometimes I feel like one, because I am not reliable like I wish I could be. Just because I have certain (really negative) thoughts in my brain doesn’t mean they are true.
I’ve been going through the ups and downs of this roller-coaster life. Sometimes it’s hard to write in this blog because of the dramatic emotional changes that occur constantly. I’ve had moments of feeling “normal” that make me SO elated and blissful, and I want to write in this blog, “OMG, I AM DOING AMAZING! 🙂 ” …which is soon followed by pain and depression and negative thoughts like, “OMG, I CAN’T STAND BEING ALIVE WITH THIS TORTUROUS PAIN ANYMORE!”
Feelings are temporary, and knowing that is comforting. I enjoy the good moments while I can, and when I am in a bad moment, I know that I will feel good again.
Today, I was sitting outside in the sun, just hanging out with my thoughts–not getting mad, or involved, or judging them– just seeing where my mind went to.
I came upon this important realization: It’s easy to build up walls and distract yourself from everything. A lot of the time, I don’t want to be alone with myself. I constantly need to be distracted from my own negativity. I can see why in the past, I have been so happy when I was busy, or happy when I was working full-time and having a full social life. I never had to deal with my own self. I wanted to accomplish a lot because I wanted to feel like a worthy person; like I have a meaningful life.
… but I DO have a meaningful life. Right now. In this moment. In every moment. In every second that I am alive, I am a worthy person. Even when I was a helpless baby, or when I was a student, and now as an adult. Worthy, worthy, worthy. And I don’t have to prove my existence or validate my existence.
I am here, in the now, making the best choices that I can. I matter to people. I matter to my family. I matter to my friends. I matter to my Significant Other.
There is no need to beat myself up over mistakes. There is no need for me to beat myself up over the past. There’s no need to punish myself with any guilt I have. Life is what it is. I just have to trust that I am on the right path, because I can only connect the dots after each experience happens.