Tag Archives: chronic migraine

…Better, and now bad again

The first 2 weeks of July were a nice change.  I woke up feeling the migraine twinge, but the beast stayed away.  Day after day, little by little, I started to feel a little more normal.  I got out of the pain cycle.  IT WAS SO NICE!  I had a lovely break from this migraine life and was able to do some really fun things with family and friends.

But it didn’t last, sadly.

I am now stuck in Migraine hell, Day 5 today.  5 days in a row of utter misery.

I am about to lose my dang mind.  I am holding on to threads of sanity.

Depression won’t leave me alone, which really doesn’t help the state I am in.

I can’t wait for this to pass.  I wish I could do something productive despite the pain, but it is overwhelming me right now.  I go back and forth between despair and acceptance.  I understand that I have this condition, but WHY?!  I did nothing differently, not to my knowledge.  And I can handle 1 day of sitting around in my hot dark room.  But 5 days in a row?  Frick.

Waiting to be saved…

Feelings are Temporary

I am a person who suffers from chronic migraine attacks.  They are random and extremely painful.  I also suffer from bouts of depression, anxiety, and insomnia.

But lately, I am trying to move past those labels and live the best life I can live.

I am trying to focus on “healing” instead of “pain”, which is very tricky for someone who has been so focused on “pain avoidance.”   I am adding in more tools for de-stressing.  I try to do good things for myself with the purpose and intention of “this will calm me down” or “this will make me happy.”

I used to spend a LOT of free time researching migraines.  Now I try to spend less time on research in general.  And when I do research, I try to look up positive articles, like “re-wiring my nervous system.”

I am trying to avoid the trap of paranoia, worrying that every headache will turn into a migraine.  I pop the pills I need to take, and then I find a good distraction.

I am trying to take care of myself on my good days, and spend less time worrying about the black holes of time I miss when I have bad days.

Am I still in the habit of berating myself for not being normal?  Not as much.  I am more accepting of my condition and its limitations.  I am trying not to get as frustrated when I miss out or have to cancel plans.  This condition does not make me a bad person.  Sometimes I feel like one, because I am not reliable like I wish I could be.  Just because I have certain (really negative) thoughts in my brain doesn’t mean they are true.

I’ve been going through the ups and downs of this roller-coaster life.   Sometimes it’s hard to write in this blog because of the dramatic emotional changes that occur constantly.  I’ve had moments of feeling “normal” that make me SO elated and blissful, and I want to write in this blog, “OMG, I AM DOING AMAZING!  🙂 ” …which is soon followed by pain and depression and negative thoughts like, “OMG, I CAN’T STAND BEING ALIVE WITH THIS TORTUROUS PAIN ANYMORE!”

Feelings are temporary, and knowing that is comforting.  I enjoy the good moments while I can, and when I am in a bad moment, I know that I will feel good again.

Botox Update!

Hello beautiful people, thank you for reading my blog!  This journey is full of ups and downs, like an unpredictable roller coaster that may or may not fly off the tracks at any second.

I received my first round of Botox injections 12 days ago.  I skipped the neck ones because I read a lot of horrible reviews online about them.  Plus I thought to myself, why fill my head with all 31 shots on the first try?  Maybe I should test the waters first and see how I react.  So here’s what’s been happening…

This has been my personal subjective experience:

Pros:

-I trusted in my skilled neurologist, who has been doing Botox for years for his migraine patients.  (He really is wonderful!)

-The injections were pretty quick and didn’t hurt too much (I dunno about you, but my pain tolerance is pretty high, because, ya know, migraines)

-My migraines have been slightly less severe (7 / 10 instead of 10 / 10)

-My forehead looks smoother… (ah, vanity!)

Cons:

-Felt extremely tired for a week after the treatment, felt fatigued, and slept more than usual

-I’ve been getting headaches every day, and full on migraine attacks almost every day (they are 7 outta 10 instead of 10/10 migraines, but still… PAINFUL AF!)

-My face feels extremely weird.  Like it’s being turned to stone, frozen by Medusa.  Any kind of facial movement feel very strained.

-I typically suffer from insomnia, but it is exacerbated now (which may or may not be related to the Botox, but if you Google it, there are many many results saying that it might be the Botox)

And for the biggest con of all:

-Starting just 2 days after the injection, my jaw locked open (briefly, for maybe a minute or less)… and then I would shove it back into place.  Crisis averted.

-Then my jaw locked open again.

And again.

and AGAIN.

My jaw locked open 4 different times….when I yawned or brushed my teeth.

Yesterday, the 5th time it got locked open, it stuck.  I ended up in the Emergency Room for a locked jaw that was stuck open for over 3 hours!

At the ER, after being given pain meds for my migraine and jaw pain, I saw a Doctor who was able to get it back in place.  When I left the ER, it happened again IMMEDIATELY.  Lockjaw #6 since Botox.

So now I am off work for 3 days, not able to open my mouth, drinking through a straw, and taking muscle relaxers.  And I still have a migraine.

I am staying positive, because I know things could be worse… hopefully this is the worst of it.  ::fingers crossed:

Thanks for tuning in!  This has been Kelly the Valium blob, updating you on “Adventures in Botox.”