I am a person who suffers from chronic migraine attacks. They are random and extremely painful. I also suffer from bouts of depression, anxiety, and insomnia.
But lately, I am trying to move past those labels and live the best life I can live.
I am trying to focus on “healing” instead of “pain”, which is very tricky for someone who has been so focused on “pain avoidance.” I am adding in more tools for de-stressing. I try to do good things for myself with the purpose and intention of “this will calm me down” or “this will make me happy.”
I used to spend a LOT of free time researching migraines. Now I try to spend less time on research in general. And when I do research, I try to look up positive articles, like “re-wiring my nervous system.”
I am trying to avoid the trap of paranoia, worrying that every headache will turn into a migraine. I pop the pills I need to take, and then I find a good distraction.
I am trying to take care of myself on my good days, and spend less time worrying about the black holes of time I miss when I have bad days.
Am I still in the habit of berating myself for not being normal? Not as much. I am more accepting of my condition and its limitations. I am trying not to get as frustrated when I miss out or have to cancel plans. This condition does not make me a bad person. Sometimes I feel like one, because I am not reliable like I wish I could be. Just because I have certain (really negative) thoughts in my brain doesn’t mean they are true.
I’ve been going through the ups and downs of this roller-coaster life. Sometimes it’s hard to write in this blog because of the dramatic emotional changes that occur constantly. I’ve had moments of feeling “normal” that make me SO elated and blissful, and I want to write in this blog, “OMG, I AM DOING AMAZING! 🙂 ” …which is soon followed by pain and depression and negative thoughts like, “OMG, I CAN’T STAND BEING ALIVE WITH THIS TORTUROUS PAIN ANYMORE!”
Feelings are temporary, and knowing that is comforting. I enjoy the good moments while I can, and when I am in a bad moment, I know that I will feel good again.
Do you think this idea is controversial?: If my body can learn the patterns of migraine (plus depression and anxiety), then my body can also learn patterns of healing.
This is my main focus right now–researching how to heal myself.
Can I find new patterns and habits that will trigger healing in my body?
I feel like I have been caught up in this pain cycle, where anytime I start to feel better, I think it won’t last. I’m trying to get myself out of that pattern of thinking. I am trying to extend the pain breaks and not be fearful of the next migraine attack.
Can my body memorize what the pain breaks feel like so I can stay feeling better for longer periods of time?
This idea is worth exploring to me. Because taking different pills and trying Botox did not make me better. Instead, I am going to keep doing research on epigenetics and neuroplasticity. Which is basically about turning off the “dis-ease” genes and turning on the “healing” genes. And neuroplasticity is about rewiring your neurological system and creating new patterns in your body. A lot of this is done with meditation and changing your core beliefs.
Time for a new Kelly Alive.
Can it be done?
…Only time will tell!
Happy last day of 2016 everyone! We made it! We are still alive!
I love making New Year’s Resolutions. I do it every year. I think about my goals often, and how I can survive and thrive, despite having this painful and misunderstood chronic migraine disease.
I hope I helped educate people better over this past year. I haven’t tried to hide my disease as much, like I did in the past. I started this blog a couple years ago as a baby step toward being more vocal. That helped me gain confidence about posting on my personal social media pages, like Facebook and Instagram.
So Thank YOU, my friends, for helping me grow. Thank you for your support. I love you all! You bring so much to my life.
Please continue to have HOPE for 2017! We can still have meaningful existences, even though they are painful ones. We have so much to give to this world. ❤
I am trying to claw my way out of the depression pit, little by little. I read motivational quotes. I read different books with all kinds of approaches to staying positive and re-directing negative thoughts.
But after I finally made it to work today after almost 2 weeks of missing out, a horrible migraine forced me to come home early. And now it’s Friday night, and I am forced to stay at home, dosed up on migraine medication that isn’t helping.
I am trying to stay positive and I am trying not to go further into the pit, but here’s the problem:
My personality, my soul, my being… I feel like it is slowly suffocating by being isolated at home in pain. I don’t know how to relax. I don’t know how to just be. The pain is screaming at me to pay attention to it. And I don’t want to be stuck at home listening to it. But there isn’t a sufficient enough distraction.
I know I can get through this terrible night, just like I have done so so so so SO MANY other times. But I can’t help but cry. I can’t help but be disappointed by my body.
I will do my best. I will take care of myself. I will survive. I know tomorrow is another day. But I also can’t deny how sad this is. How lonely this is. And how scary the physical pain is.