C’est La Vie

Oh my goodness, blog friends… good news and bad news to report!  Good news first:  The last two weeks have been pretty good!  I have been able to do so much more than usual.  Busy busy!  Morning after morning, I woke up feeling okay.  So unusual and weird for me, but a beautiful blessing of course.  I am getting better at taking advantage of my good days.  Living “Life Between Migraines.”   There are some months where I barely get any good streaks, so I do my best to live it up when this happens.  I used to have issues where I would feel guilty for feeling good, or like it would invalidate the painful moments if I lived up the good moments.  So yes, little by little, improvements are being made!

Okay, so the bad news:  Yesterday I woke up with that old familiar eye pain and extreme fatigue: the prodrome phase, aka the beginnings of a migraine attack.  I made it to a chiropractor appointment, which can sometimes make things a little worse before things get better.  By the end of the night, I ended up REALLY SCARILY BAD.  And it took a very fast turn for the worst.  I tried to go to sleep, but for me, sometimes that makes it worse.  And this time, it did.  I ended up crying and pacing around my room at 4 AM.

I debated going to the Emergency Room, which I HATE (the lights, the noise, the long wait, and just being away from my home/ice packs/bed/etc…although they do have medicine that helps the pain…).

I ended up avoiding the ER, and I finally fell asleep around 6ish.  Spent most of today in bed (although I dragged myself to tap class, because our recital is next weekend… probably not my best and brightest idea, and I am paying for it now, but oh well…YOLO right?)… I am proud that I could at least do that one thing today that is important to me.

I live with family, and I love them dearly… but I tried to talk to them about how bad I was last night and how I almost ended up in the ER and how terrible it was… and it was like, no one even cared.  No one asked how I was today.  No one checked on me once today.  No one offers to help me out when I am in bed all day.  Maybe they don’t want to bother me or something, I don’t know.  But it makes me sad.  And I feel pretty lonely.

Am I being over dramatic?

I feel really down.

Just because I have been dealing with this disease for SO LONG and this is “my version of normal” doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.  The extreme pain is so completely terrifying.  And it’s the worst when it happens in the middle of night when everyone is asleep, and I am just crying and pacing alone in my room, just trying to deal and basically stay alive.

Sometimes it takes everything in me to remind myself that I want to stay alive during these attacks.

It’s traumatizing.  I feel traumatized today.  Yet life continues on.  I have to wake up and feed myself and the people in my house don’t seem to care about what I went through.  Maybe because it’s migraine disease… because I’ve had this for 15 years… because attacks like these happen waaaaay too often… because it’s just another same ol’ story… because it’s nothing new…

IDK.  I can’t just get past it right now.  The pain lingers, although not as intense.  The fatigue is definitely there.  It hurts to have my eyes open.  Noises are too loud.  Lights are too bright.  And on top of it, I feel sad and lonely.  Just me, hiding in my dark cave.  Dealing with traumatizing pain once again.

Logically, I know I will feel better soon.

But also, I know the migraine beast haunts me and can attack at any time.

C’est la vie.

 

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One response

  1. That awful awful pain and lonely feeling is definitely very difficult. I’m posting very soon (probably Friday) on how I get through those times. I think the loneliness and depressed mood are part of the migraine even if a family is supportive. Please know that there are others of us who experience the same thing. So, in this way, you aren’t alone. See my post for another way that I don’t feel alone when I’m in the midst.

    Liked by 1 person

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