Confusion

Hey friends!  Sorry for the disappearing act.  It was unintentional.  I’ve been wrestling with a lot of crap lately… either physically, emotionally, or both.

I went back to work part-time after being on medical leave for 6 weeks.  It was originally only for 3 weeks, but I was getting hit with bad migraine after bad migraine, so I ended up taking another 3 weeks.

I spent most of the time going to appointments, researching migraines, relaxing, or dealing with chronic migraine pain.

I’m feeling as confused as ever.  Sometimes I feel so much hatred toward having chronic migraines, I can’t take it.  I feel like I have no answers, nothing’s helping, and I ride it out, every single day.  Every night I go to bed and play Sleep Roulette, not knowing if I will wake up in pain or not.  I get a couple of days feeling *normal* and then I get hit with a week-long streak of migraines.

July 3rd and 4th were my worst pain days… spent in bed, being tortured by migraine demons.  While most of the country celebrated the holiday and did fun things.  Blah.

So many emotions to deal with all the time.  I hate the instability and unpredictability.  Sometimes I can’t stand being this person.  I want to be better sooooo baaaaaad.  I get small glimpses of it.  And then poof, it’s all gone.  Back to being tortured.  I don’t know why.  Still don’t know my triggers.  No patterns.  No clue.  My current doctors try to help… just like the rest of ’em for the last decade and a half.

Still trying… still keeping my head held high… still doing my best.  But it’s all so confusing.

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