I’m in a free fall and I don’t know where I’m going to land.
Have you ever felt lost?
I’m a ship with no anchor, adrift in a lonely sea. Today has been a good day, pain-wise. But not emotionally or mentally. Logically, I know that being pain-free won’t last, and it’s a hard fact to face.
So yes, I woke up today feeling better, but I have to remember that my debilitating pain is unpredictable. It can strike at any second. If I don’t remind myself, then I let my good streaks trick me. The good moments help feed my denial of my disease, and reinforces it.
How a seemingly-nice compliment can actually hurt: People tell me how smart and talented I am; yet I have no career to show for it. Money struggles are my daily reality. I feel like I’ve let people down because I can’t control this disability. I also feel like I’ve let myself down.
Today, my physical pain is low, but I feel like a wreck. Lately, I’ve been experiencing black holes in my memory. Brain fog is preventing things from sticking. It’s so frustrating! Grrrr.
I want to be pain-free like this every day so that I can move on from Migraines and accomplish things. Instead, I have to self-endorse all of the little things I do. I wake up. I eat. I shower. I am alive. My main task right now is to get through the day.
I’m trying to be nice to myself, but to be honest, today has been difficult.
My brain is full of scattered thoughts today.