My Version of “Normal”

Working life for Kelly Alive with a migraine:

“How are you?”

“Oh, I’m doing okay.”

Not.  I’m at work with a Migraine. What choice does life give to me? I can’t afford to call out sick right now. Must be brave. Must be strong. Ugh. Honestly, I’m feeling a little “woe is me.” Oh poor me. When will I get a break?  I feel like I get a teensy break maybe when I meditate. But then I open my eyes and step into the harsh world again. It’s always there waiting for me.

Today, I find myself stepping up to the plate, and being extra shiny happy when I’m feeling my worst. Is it a facade? Why do I bother trying so hard? It’s exhausting. I find it weird that I can appear at my best to others, while inside I’m in extreme pain.  Perhaps I suffer from some kind of mixed personality. The incessant/compulsive smiling doesn’t feel fake when I’m in the moment… it’s like I have my own inside joke of sarcasm. Like, “F U pain! I can be normal even when I feel anything but!” It’s not normal for other people. But this is my version of normal.

In other news, I am also watching a family member suffer; struggling for life with severe and crippling depression.  I wrote my post on Helplessness about my chronic pain (read here) but it’s also about the helplessness I feel when I see my family member falling apart. 😦 No matter how much positivity I try to impart, like talking about the Light at the End of the Tunnel (read here), it’s no use.  He ended up back in the hospital, safe from himself.

All in all, I’m happy to have made it through my whole workday. Although I’m still in pain, at least I can drop the facade.  I can try to relax.

Deep breaths. Relax the shoulders. Find my center. I’ve been reminding myself every 15 minutes today.

nobody knows

 

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2 responses

  1. Does it ever let up? Do you ever get a break from the pain, or is it pretty constant?

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    1. Hello! My pain does let up, usually after a medication intervention. I’ve been getting migraines ever since 2001, and it used to be constant. Now I usually have at least one pain-free day each week. The head pains are gone, but I’ll feel exhausted after fighting the battle. I’m lucky to experience moments of normalcy.

      -Kelly

      Like

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