Sick of being tired/ Tired of being sick

Today is Migraine Day 6.  This streak is tiring and emotional.

A migraine appears and feels like DEATH, but then it goes away and I feel ALIVE and EUPHORIC.  I’ve been on this roller coaster for 6 days straight, where the pain is unbearable, and then it fades away, and then it comes back.

Sometimes I am okay; sometimes I am not okay.  It is COMPLETELY unpredictable.  I am trying not to feel guilty for doing things when I am feeling better. I feel like there’s this expectation: if you’re sick, you must be on bedrest 24/7.  But the reality is, the pain comes and goes.  It doesn’t make sense to not take advantage of the time I have when I feel better. I hate feeling guilty for taking care of myself and doing fun things when the pain is tolerable.  I don’t want to feel like somehow, me going out of the house takes away the validation that I had real pain.

Most people don’t get it. I stare DEATH (aka suicidal pain) straight in the face all of the time, and I WIN.  I win because I’m alive.

 

breathe

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4 responses

  1. Wow, I love your posts! I am so glad you found my blog because it led me to yours. I am a fellow migraineur and the only trigger I know for sure (which is compltely out of my control) is the wether/barometric pressure changes. I just got through a 6-dayer too… was it the Autumnal Equinox this time. Who freakin’knows?!
    I applaud your honesty. Especially around “just because I try to embrace and enjoy life during the few moments of reprieve I have, does NOT mean I am now magically free of pain.” Or even worse, that it’s really not a bad as I say. We can be, and we are, both people!! I am right there with you and write often about this dichotomy. The “oh, but you look so good, so that must mean you are now pain free?!”
    I am amazed that you can post in the throes of a migraine. But I am glad you did, because it heps me (and I am sure countless others).
    Hang in there… like you said, this too shall pass. But it is sure one hell of a ride until then.
    Peace, hope, love & healing energy- Tam
    (PS- the only thing that has finally made a difference in my 24 days a month migraines was the start of Botox injections about 6-8 months ago. They have drastically improved my quality of life. Do with it what you want; just passing on my experience- I know everyone is different and it gets tiring always hearing “helpful” suggestions. *wink*)

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    1. Thank you for sharing, Tam! It’s so nice to find people who understand and can relate to what I’m going through (even though it’s NOT nice to go through this!). Having an invisible disease can take such an emotional toll as well as physical. I wish you luck in your journey! I appreciate the Botox suggestion. I tried it a couple times about 9 or 10 years ago, but it might be worth looking into again. 🙂

      -Kelly

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  2. Do not feel guilty for one minute for feeling alive and having a good day – treasure it and then remember it when you are down and out because it will be those moments and memories that will help you get through knowing that you can have good moments. It’s been so long since I have had a good day that I long for one and then I get mad at myself for it. Such a tough cycle and tough life this invisible illness throws at us. All the time we look like everyone else on the planet! Keep up the great work blogging I enjoy them.

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    1. Thank you for the comment! I really appreciate your words. I will come back to them to remind myself, “Do not feel guilty!” It’s such a powerful statement. Thank you for being there for me. It helps so much to have someone who understands.
      -Kelly

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