I just checked into the emergency room for a 5 day migraine. I’ve been up since 4 am with it. I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel like I have a knife stuck in my eye, a second knife in my temple, and a third knife stuck in my neck.
It’s been a 13 year battle with Migraine disease. I’ve dealt with mountains of judgement because of it. Judgement and doubt and preconceived notions of utter ignorance. No matter how many doctors I see, or trips to the hospital I make, or tears I cry, or life I miss out on, people still can’t grasp at a sliver of understanding what I have been through.
Today before I checked myself into the ER, one of my family members (who I live with) said something that really upset me. I was mid-migraine attack and trying to eat a piece of toast. He looked at me and said,
“You look fine.”
With knives in my face, on my fifth day of pain in a row, with only a few hours of sleep.
At first I was upset with him for not understanding. But now, I am upset with myself. Maybe I’ve become too good of an actress. Maybe I’ve been playing the “I’m fine” game for too long. My family can hardly see this invisible disease that I struggle with. They don’t see the knives anymore.
I’m admitting to the world, and myself, that I can’t be an actress in my own life anymore. It’s not something I did on purpose. I guess I just wanted to be normal. But this amount of pain needs to be addressed. I need to admit that I need help.
*making invisible diseases VISIBLE*